Higher Ground

I cried out to God several weeks ago. Begging Him to tell me why my life is the way it is. He didn't answer that prayer exactly as I had hoped. Actually, it was better than I could have asked for. He knew that. The past two weeks He has strengthened me. Each day I find more than one thing to be thankful for. I know that death and despair were not part of God's hopes for the human race. We brought this on ourselves. Even so, God can take any situation and make it into a miracle. No matter what. My mom has not improved. It looks as if surgery will be the method of healing this time. But I don't care. God is in control. This is time for my mom and I to spend together. It is time for me to learn responsibility and how to be an adult. I was not thrust into maturity as some children are at ten or twelve. I am twenty years old. I have the authority and ability to take care of the things that need to be done. When I can't do it myself, the family God has blessed me with steps in. I finally got Hershey to the vet this afternoon. Kayla helped me (another Godsend). Come to find out he has heartworms. It doesn't make sense to spend $700 dollars on a ten year old lab so now we wait. For now he is happy and unaffected, but the time will come when we will have to put him down. At first I felt like this was just another part of my dad that I was losing. Taking care of Hershey, buying him five different treats at once, rubbing his belly, and calling him a "handsome fella" all make me feel close to Daddy. Also today my mom sold the truck and hopes to soon sell the Lumina. Daddy drove both of them on his mail route. Neither run, but in true Cooke fashion Daddy wouldn't give them up. I cursed this decision this evening as I pulled all the junk out of both of them that could have been discarded long ago. Really I liked it. My mom will never know that of course. It was more time with my dad. That sounds weird, but I find Daddy in the strangest places. I'm dreading Father's Day already. I'm torn between crying my eyes out and just letting it all go or pretending the holiday never existed. The latter will be difficult at church where, ironically, I really want to be on June 21. There is no place I feel closer to Daddy than that building. He spent so much time there, helping so many young boys that were nearly as crushed as I was to lose him. I'm not necessarily a fan of Walmart setting up the holiday so soon, but I don't want to avoid it all together. I had the best father in the world. He gave everything for me and my mom. He took care of us even after he was gone. Most importantly he left a legacy that I will strive to at least meet halfway. To touch so many lives in so many places that even your coworkers need counseling after your death! Daddy deserves to be honored and that is just what I hope to do. My recent spell of loneliness could probably also be attributed to the insane desire I have developed to have a family. Keeping Reagan has given me "baby fever" as my mom says. She wanted a family and kids at 15. I at least made it to college. I think its sinking in that people I graduated with are getting married. I wasn't prepared for that. I forgot how old I was. At any rate, God knows the desires of my heart because He put them there. At the right time, in the right place, with the right person I will fall in love and our story will begin. I hate sounding so "girlish". I still hate cheesy romance novels and movies, don't lose hope Kindall ;)

Rescue

For some reason I cannot explain I feel lonely. I feel left behind, although by whom I cannot say. Mother's Day was good. I spent lots of time with family and tried to do all I could to show my mom how thankful I am to have her. I have learned that it is not a given that you will have two parents until well into adulthood. Mimi finished the evening in tears as she did even before her son died, but now its harder to ignore. She was the last one to take home and as I was walking out the door she broke down again. I know her hurt is deeper than mine. I know that Daddy was her life and blood and he was all she had. But it was one statement, the one I hear over and over from everyone, that was the breaking point. She said, "I know you lost your Daddy, but you don't understand. Jimmy was my right arm." Yes! I am aware that he was your son and my mom's best friend. I know this is the hardest thing they have done. I know they knew him, depended on him longer than I did. But for once I need someone to say "You lost your Daddy. I'm so sorry." Don't follow it with a if and or but. This is my hurt too. I feel like I'm not allowed to hurt because I didn't lose my child or my husband. But I did lose my father. He won't be here to see me graduate college, to walk me down the aisle, or to hold my children. There were so many things he was supposed to see. And I feel alone today. My mom is depending on me to take care of the house and support her through her back pain. I want to be there for her. My grandmothers are depending on me for groceries and to take them to the doctor. But I'm collapsing and theres no one here to catch me. I'm taking care of Reagan during the day and when I come home I play mom to my mom. This is real life. I can't drop out of life like I did school. All I could think of last night was to ask God why he was taking people away from me and not giving me anyone. Why am I being left behind?

I Want God To Move His Furniture

I have to admit I like the feeling of getting up early. I have extra time to do things like blog and also eat breakfast (first things first). What I do not care for is the actual waking up part. Therefore the only reason I am in such a laid back state today is I just randomly woke up.
They have been calling for rain and storms for two days now. I wish it would storm especially. I don't enjoy damaging winds and flash flooding mind you, but for some reason thunder makes me feel closer to God. It's like He is putting on a show just for me. More importantly, it causes me stop what I'm doing and listen to what He is saying. When I was little and I was afraid of thunder my mom told me it was just God moving His furniture. In some ways, I still see it that way now. To some it may feel like the sky is falling, but thats just the feeling I want. To feel that God has lowered the ceiling in this room we call Earth so that we could better hear what is going on upstairs.

Jesus, Take The Wheel

I found an apartment that is very convenient to campus and in my price range and even has air conditioning. I get to see the inside on Wednesday and probably sign a lease. Why am I not happy? Oh yeah, because I'm so stressed and tired from doing everything. I love my job and I love my family of course! But I feel like I'm the only one doing anything to help. My mom did so much and now that she can't for a while it has all fallen to me. I feel guilty because she doesn't complain or fall apart when she does it. I know that she will be healed. I'm just ready for that miracle.

Baby Steps

Wow! I have gone from zero to sixty in what feels like five seconds. I am running all the time it seems like. I leave the house at 7:45am and tonight I got home for good at 9:30pm! Given, part of that was playing tennis which was a chosen activity. After months of nothingness I'm having a hard time readjusting to a schedule, much less having to tweak that schedule to fit extracurricular activities in. Although my balance isn't perfect there is more solid ground these days. Some days I even feel like I am standing up straight and sturdy from the time I get up to the time I go to bed. This doesn't usually last for more than a day, but I'll take what I can get. This weekend is a major stepping stone in planning the near future. I am going (with nearly my entire family of course) to Boone to see some apartments and hopefully make a deposit on my own place. A place I pay for (eventually). I clean. I stock. Boone is becoming more and more right, I guess would be how I would describe it. Since Daddy died I have reconnected with my high school friends. Those of us who said we hated Mooresville and would never come back are back. And that is actually okay with me. However, I will never tell my children not to leave. I want them to go and experience the world. I'm not finished doing that myself, but Mooresville feels like home again. Our little Main Street where nothing ever happens. The traffic jams on the west side of town where I live. The fizzling racing industry. I have come to realize that not everyone is lucky enough to live where they were born, much less to have their whole family right there with them. As ridiculous as it feels sometimes, such as carting the whole gang to Boone to look at apartments, I love them and all their weirdness and they love mine. I miss my Belmont friends everyday. Belmont was a once in a lifetime experience and I met two of the best friends I'll ever have there. Two friends that helped me through one of the hardest times I'll ever experience. Jesus knew I'd need them then so He sent them to me a year early :D