Day 6

I have a headache. I've done nothing that I vowed to do today. I've prayed and I've studied, but not like I should have. All I want to do is read or watch mindless television. I feel tired and empty. It's not like all the amazing things I've learned the past five days have vanished, it's just I've allowed them to be covered by life today. Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually really satisfying. I slept late. I had my mom's macaroni and cheese for lunch. I got to see my adopted parents. We even went out to eat with them. My mom went out into public! I went to visit Reagan and spend time with Tonja and Karley. It was at the point in the evening that my mom called me upset because she found a knot on her back that my emotions took a nose dive. I flew home begging God not to take the first hope of healing in months away. After talking to the surgeon on call it was determined that is most likely a small bit of fluid that should go away on its own. I didn't realize how on edge I am until that happened. One moment of panic took me down. I was no match for impending disappointment. I'm not supposed to be. God is. That's His department. I'm currently debating whether or not I'm going to church tomorrow. I enjoy being there, but I'm also lonely. I sit on the pew where my whole family once sat, alone. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who want nothing but the best for me. They hug me and pray for me. They all ask about my mom. But they don't fill the void of my dad and my mom. I was beginning to be able to handle being there with just my mom. But just me I still struggle with. At supper we talked about how Jamie and his family don't come to church and how my dad desired him to do so. Jamie told me and my mom and the pastor that it was still too hard because of Daddy. Part of me thinks its a cop out. But in reality I do the same. I don't go to church when I have a bad night on Saturday. I can't cry for Daddy and then go to the place he loved most to be. I am beginning to understand that a large part of my desire for a relationship is trying to fill the void of my father. It never made sense to me before. I heard doctors say and watched tv specials about people grieving over losing their dad and trying to fill that need for love with a boyfriend. I thought "that's gross. it's a different love. how could that work?" The truth is that it really happens. In someways, when a girl gets married she trades her dad for her husband. Her spouse becomes her provider and protector, the roles the father played first. I know I should turn to God to meet those needs. And I'm trying desperately. But there's something about being able to physically touch someone. To physically be able to put your head on someone's shoulder. God here I am. Tell me how to do this. I'm lost.

Day 5

Again a night of few words. It's good to be home among friends and family....and free food. My exercise and water drinking, as predicted, have suffered. I shall improve tomorrow! I'm beginning to see some more things that I need to give God total control over. I want him to prepare my heart for my future husband. I don't want to hold him responsible for the mistakes and hurts of others. So tonight I asked God to wipe my heart and emotions clean. Somewhere there is a man who is preparing for me just as I'm preparing for him. He deserves the best woman I can be. That process is long and it starts now.

Day 4

My words for tonight will be short at best. I am incredibly tired physically and increasingly tired mentally. Despite the fatigue I found an unusual peace on my mile walk to the Hill St. parking lot. I felt happy to be here. Happy to be progressing. Happy to have a future. Peace is a big enough accomplishment for the month much less today as far as I'm concerned. All in all, the last 4 days have taught me great things which will only grow in the days to come. The challenge will be doing the exercise tomorrow and Monday and drinking the 3 bottles of water at home. Whew! Believe in yourself :D

Sidenote: While I'm home this weekend I'm going to drive down to the litterbox and have a come to Jesus meeting with the Panthers. Jake will back me up. Together we can change the world!

Day 3

My first observation of the day is that consuming 3 bottles of water a day is my biggest challenge. While its good that only one part is giving me a problem, it is sad that it is consuming a beverage. I'm almost to the bottom of my second bottle. The issue is that its 9:30pm and if I down this and another whole bottle in the next hour I'm not going to spend the night sleeping if you know what I mean. Secondly, the weather today was gorgeous. It was a perfect taste of fall on the second day of September. Light, wispy clouds and bright sunshine with just enough breeze to relax you.
Last night before I could go to sleep I poured out my heart to God. There is praying and then there is pouring out your soul. Occasional pouring is healthy. Last night was my turn. I finally admitted one of the things bothering me most is my lack of social life. I am blessed with two of my closest friends being only 45 minutes away, but schedules and class work make week night meetings hard. Not to mention the expense of gas. I can also go home on the weekends should I desire to do so. Lately I have and I will probably continue until my mom is back out and about. That should only be a few more weeks. God has worked out the student loan problems. He has given me peace about certain relationships that have been strained. I know He is also in control of the new friends I will find here. My weekend is beginning to fill up with social gatherings which makes me feel good. Sometimes I think really its best like this. I'm completely focused on school during the week and I can hang out with friends care free on the weekends. But it'd be nice to add some social interaction to the week also. I've met several people that I sit near in class and can chat with, but so far no one who has just automatically written themselves into my schedule.
Then again, this 30 days particularly is about me and God. I vowed not to worry about friendships or dating. To give God my all and allow him to direct my life. I've contacted a couple daycares and Sugar Mountain ski resort for job opportunities so we'll see where those go. I'm making some very important personal changes right now. It would be unfair to bring someone into the middle of that. So for now here I sit. Me and my cat. Reading and texting and facebook-ing. What did we do for social networking before these amazing tools were invented?

PS-the "young attractive male" upstairs is getting a little too comfortable with his sound system. control yourself man.

Day 2

I can't breathe out of my nose and have spent half the day battling excited phlegm. Noting Karley's sickness, much worse than mine, I am confident that we are on to something big. Ever since this 30 day plan has even been under consideration things have come hard and fast at all three of us. My student loans aren't coming through as they should. Leaving me no choice but to write a check for $550 that I don't have for this month's rent. The parts of the day that I spend with God though are enough to boost my spirits until the next "meeting". I sat in the lobby for ten minutes before my last class and pondered my needs and desires. I wrote some major things down. It was like passing notes with Jesus. I wrote something and He read it and responded. It kept me focused on Him amid the bustling crowd. Today I especially have had to make an effort not to worry about making friends and finding my place here at Appalachian. I'm meeting people everyday and I'm not lonely in class or off in a corner. When I come home though its easy to get discouraged. But "wanna come over tonight" friendships don't develop instantaneously. It seems like it has been forever since I was alone in the world, but even then I don't really remember life before my chance meeting with Kindall Duke on the sidewalk. I keep reminding myself that this is a 30 day plan. And not even 30 days is long enough to accomplish each and every goal. Growing in Christ is a lifelong process. So I will trek on. I will climb my Everest and proudly display my flag at the top before moving on to the next tallest peak.