Less Than An Hour or It's Free!

I am ashamed to say that I long ago fell off the bandwagon of spiritual growth. It's a grave disappointment considering my unwavering commitment in that lone week of accomplishment. I did learn some things, but they aren't habits as I had hoped they would be. The past week I've been sick and at home with my mother. That sounds kind of negative now that I look at it, but there were many good points. My mom was there to clean up my throw up and really, no matter your age, who wants to clean up anyone's throw up, even their own? I wasn't just lying around in my silent apartment. I am certain that would have lead me straight to the asylum. I know App has a lot to offer. I know I need to dive deeper. This week my first goal is to keep my head above the rushing tide of make-up work, tests, and meetings with less than agreeable professors. (I have one who is willing to fight for his students. I may send him in against my psychology professor. A girl has to do what a girl has to do.) I've made and remade life decisions this week. Most of them as a solution to a problem that didn't exist. The outcome: I need a life!! There are the makings of one in my hands. I have friends in classes and I know where to go for christian fellowship. This week I'm going to get off my lazy butt and go out and do something. Even if I only go to the library to study. If I was a Sim that alone would feel my social meter! I'm done with my pity party. I'm a firm believer in self pity. Everyone needs a moment of it now and then. You just can't build a house there. The schools are no good and the pizza delivery man is always slow.

Day 7: Week One Accomplished

I've spent a whole week and overall maintained the goals I set out to. I'm still learning to manage food and water intake as well as physical activity, but the truly important elements I have handled much better. I have blogged everyday and what I have written is an accurate portrait of the day it represents. I don't want to hide the hard parts and or the joyful parts from my self at the end of this journey. I had a pleasant day with my mom today. We ate good food, unhealthy, but American! I spent time doing some reading for school. I took care of emailing professors about questions I had. And tomorrow I'm going to nanny!!!! I saw Reagan Saturday night and she reached for me. Actually, she nearly jumped off Karley's lap :D Our kinship survived the distance.
A day of nannying also provides some peaceful personal reflection time. Which I've slacked in the past couple days. I want to continue to be open to what God has for me to hear and see in this 30 Days. There is more in my mind that I'd like to express, but the sleeping pill I just took is winning the battle for coherency. Hopefully a new revelation of wisdom or strength or patience will come tomorrow in the peaceful sounds of toys banging and music playing and through games of patticake. Consider this my white flag.

Day 6

I have a headache. I've done nothing that I vowed to do today. I've prayed and I've studied, but not like I should have. All I want to do is read or watch mindless television. I feel tired and empty. It's not like all the amazing things I've learned the past five days have vanished, it's just I've allowed them to be covered by life today. Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually really satisfying. I slept late. I had my mom's macaroni and cheese for lunch. I got to see my adopted parents. We even went out to eat with them. My mom went out into public! I went to visit Reagan and spend time with Tonja and Karley. It was at the point in the evening that my mom called me upset because she found a knot on her back that my emotions took a nose dive. I flew home begging God not to take the first hope of healing in months away. After talking to the surgeon on call it was determined that is most likely a small bit of fluid that should go away on its own. I didn't realize how on edge I am until that happened. One moment of panic took me down. I was no match for impending disappointment. I'm not supposed to be. God is. That's His department. I'm currently debating whether or not I'm going to church tomorrow. I enjoy being there, but I'm also lonely. I sit on the pew where my whole family once sat, alone. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who want nothing but the best for me. They hug me and pray for me. They all ask about my mom. But they don't fill the void of my dad and my mom. I was beginning to be able to handle being there with just my mom. But just me I still struggle with. At supper we talked about how Jamie and his family don't come to church and how my dad desired him to do so. Jamie told me and my mom and the pastor that it was still too hard because of Daddy. Part of me thinks its a cop out. But in reality I do the same. I don't go to church when I have a bad night on Saturday. I can't cry for Daddy and then go to the place he loved most to be. I am beginning to understand that a large part of my desire for a relationship is trying to fill the void of my father. It never made sense to me before. I heard doctors say and watched tv specials about people grieving over losing their dad and trying to fill that need for love with a boyfriend. I thought "that's gross. it's a different love. how could that work?" The truth is that it really happens. In someways, when a girl gets married she trades her dad for her husband. Her spouse becomes her provider and protector, the roles the father played first. I know I should turn to God to meet those needs. And I'm trying desperately. But there's something about being able to physically touch someone. To physically be able to put your head on someone's shoulder. God here I am. Tell me how to do this. I'm lost.

Day 5

Again a night of few words. It's good to be home among friends and family....and free food. My exercise and water drinking, as predicted, have suffered. I shall improve tomorrow! I'm beginning to see some more things that I need to give God total control over. I want him to prepare my heart for my future husband. I don't want to hold him responsible for the mistakes and hurts of others. So tonight I asked God to wipe my heart and emotions clean. Somewhere there is a man who is preparing for me just as I'm preparing for him. He deserves the best woman I can be. That process is long and it starts now.

Day 4

My words for tonight will be short at best. I am incredibly tired physically and increasingly tired mentally. Despite the fatigue I found an unusual peace on my mile walk to the Hill St. parking lot. I felt happy to be here. Happy to be progressing. Happy to have a future. Peace is a big enough accomplishment for the month much less today as far as I'm concerned. All in all, the last 4 days have taught me great things which will only grow in the days to come. The challenge will be doing the exercise tomorrow and Monday and drinking the 3 bottles of water at home. Whew! Believe in yourself :D

Sidenote: While I'm home this weekend I'm going to drive down to the litterbox and have a come to Jesus meeting with the Panthers. Jake will back me up. Together we can change the world!