Vacation...of the Mind

Vacation offers a lot of free time. That is the point after all. Time away from life and worries. I must say the change in altitude has cleared my head. I wasn't over taken with anxiety or anything, but as my last blog addressed, I was holding onto some things that I shouldn't be. Today through random circumstances I slipped back into those thoughts temporarily, but through some more random encounters I have been reminded why I need to get away from those. Those feelings are holding me back. The hardest part is that these feelings are not just about some random event from the past or some past residence. The feelings I am struggling with are for someone. Someone who I thought may just be THE one for a while. I am slowly...painfully...realizing that was not the case. He will continue to be a close friend, but there are more and more doors opening for me in other areas of my life. Maybe some day in the [kind of] distant future I will come back to the place I am in to face a man who has accepted God's help and become the man of my dreams.
This week of rest is opening my eyes to what can be in the near future. My best friend is going to be a mere 30 minutes away from me next year and who knows about next summer...a Nashville apartment perhaps?! However long it takes to adjust my heart and mind to what God wants it to be I will be patient and anxiously awaiting the future!

Fasten Your Seat Belts and Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside the Ride at All Times

So we meet again. Only this time I am happy to say that while I don't feel in control of things I do feel that God is in control. I have fastened my seat belt and am prepared to go wherever life may take me. I have been forced to let go of the things that I held on to for security purposes. Now I am standing on my own under the wings of Christ. Life is a hard nut to crack and I don't intend on beating my head against the wall everyday until the answer falls from the sky. There are some circumstances that I don't understand, but I'm through trying to. As I said in my very first post today is the first day of the rest of my life and I choose to see it as a very beautiful thing.

Let It Rain

It's raining outside! In spite of the fact that I had to walk to class, all the way across campus, it is beautiful. The physical rain, as much as it soothed the parched soil and plants, quenched my thirsty soul. I saw it as a sign from the Lord that He is still in control, even when I feel out of control. My desire to write is increasing by the day. Hence this blog entry and the multiple songs that I have written in the past couple days and those that I have rediscovered.
These songs that I have found recently are amazingly applicable to my life now. And thus a further confirmation that God is in control. I have a lot of feelings, love, excitement, impatience, stress, that I need to get out. These are feelings that cannot be relieved by action at the moment. Like when I feel suffocated by all the things I have to do, but am sitting in class and cannot make any progress in completing these activities. Like when I have a crush on a guy, but my shy nature or other circumstances keep this situation from being altered in any way. Like when I know that a concert or night out with friends is going to be the "best night of my life" and I have to wait all week for it to get here. Like when I have so many dreams and aspirations floating around in my head, but they all have prerequisites. Like when you spend $113 on a computer program for class and then the teacher decides that its no good and can't be used. (its happening as we speak)
So I'm out here trying to control these feelings...good luck to me...

commitment

Why does this word make so many people cringe? Whether you are talking about a relationship or just volunteering in a church ministry, anything that involves work from a person turns people off. Sometimes its a smart thing to refuse to commit to a relationship. If you are leaving for Australia for a year and your significant other is not, then now is not the time to form a relationship. But where do you draw the line? Where does it go from reasonable to fake. I'm sitting in my dorm room, eating ramen noodles and watching "in good company". Today, I have nothing that I have to do and it is kinda nice. Last night, I went out and had fun but today is a simple day. I'm going go drive around the city, looking at all thats out there, and I'm sure be reminded of why I love my life so much right now despite the many questions I have about relationships right now. When I have that great epiphany about how to fix commitment fear I'll let you know ;)

This is your brain on music

Some of you out there are thinking this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen, but my fellow addicts are rejoicing in that they finally are free to admit to their obsession.

Really, I just wanted a place to talk about my life without boring anyone in person. A place to write out my problems and hope that when I sit back and look at them one by one they will seem somewhat smaller. At this point in my life, my problems are all over the map. From relationship troubles to studying (like what I should be doing right now), I've got it all. Not all on one day, mind you, but at any given moment I could be suffering from stress from anything.

That being said, today is the first day of the rest of my life. There are two ways to look at this. 1) It's the beginning of the end.
or
2) Today is a new day and I can choose to use it however I like it.

They always make such a big deal about how in high school you are "finding yourself". The reality is that you are expected to fit into some kind of mold somewhere. You may have more molds to choose from than say elementary or middle school, but you are expected to choose from the options set in front of you. You are supposed to have some idea of where you are going in life and if you don't, they tell you to make one up so that that blank on the standardized test doesn't ruin your whole score. You are placed by scores and abilities. In college, you are automatically (atleast for me) placed with people who have similar passions, but you aren't part of a cookie cutter population. I am discovering who I was all along. I was just too scared to let it show before. It was against the rules for so long that it took time to build up courage to make decisions that set me apart from everyone else. Nobody can be me like ME. I am the best at what I do!! Yay me :) What I wear is my choice, where I shop, what I do, the clubs I'm in. It's all up to me. Who I choose to love. All my choice.

At the same time, my mistakes are mine too and I must own them. But I'm up for the challenge. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am happy being me. Happy with where I am and the choices I'm making. I don't want to be anyone else, but ME.

Considering the name of my blog I should probably include something musical so here goes:
Theme song #1:
Some girls play the game
They all walk and talk
And they dress the same
Nothin' New To Say
Don't they realize
That it's so easy to see
Right though there disguise
Makes me wonder why
When the whole worlds turnin left
It's when I'm goin right
I need someone to let me be
Just who I am inside

`Cause a girl like me
Is just a lil' different from all the rest
And a girl like me
Never Gonna Settle for Second Best
Could it be a boy like you
That would give me anything
If I asked him to
To take all my dreams
And Make them true
Show me all the reasons that you
Ought to be with a girl like me
Just like me

Possibility
Got me trippin'
Thinkin' of what could be
Between you and me
Still I need to know
Should I keep this feelin'
Or let it go
I can't wait no more
So now's the time
To speak your mind
And Show me what you feel
So tell me if you wana take,
a chance with somthin' real

`Cause a girl like me
Is just a lil' different from all the rest
And a girl likes me
Never Gonna Settle for Second Best
Could it be a boy like you
That would give me anything
If I asked him to
To take all my dreams
And Make them true
Show me all the reasons that you
Ought to be with a girl like me
Just like me

Mirror Mirror on the wall
Catch me now before I fall
I wish I may, I wish I might
Find the Answer here tonight
Mirror Mirror on the wall
Catch me now before I fall
I wish I may, I wish I might
Find the Answer here tonight