Death, Alcohol, and Music

Yesterday I got a call that my friend's aunt died. It was a shock on multiple levels. First, she is my friend's aunt and her dad is now the only living sibling. Her uncle died when we were in high school from injuries he sustained in a car accident. Second, she took pictures of three friends and I for Kayla's (her niece) graduation gift. One of them is us on the hood of an old Mooresville school bus. It really captures our friendship. Jada was my best friend before life basically, but Cassie and Kayla I met in school and they are all some of my closest friends. They are the group I plan to travel cross country with! Third, and perhaps most devastating is that she died suddenly. Someone walked in on her, just like I walked in on my dad. She struggled with migraines which makes aneurysm a fairly good guess...what Daddy died of. This may seem like a cheap and irreverent metaphor, but when you buy a new car you notice all of those on the road around you and you feel like everyone copied you. In reality these people did not decide to make a huge purchase because of your uncontrollable influence on their life (Kindall couldn't even make me buy a car and I don't think I could talk her into one). I am suddenly quite aware of every death due to brain hemorrage and it is overwhelming. Come to find out my mom's great grandmothers on her mother's side both died of them. My message to everyone on earth: HAVE AN MRI!!!

Moving on to Alcohol, a friend of mine took the weekend and got trashed. This does not move me to tears or anger, but it weighs heavy on my mind. It didn't happen accidentally. He drove from Raleigh to Western Carolina with the intention of becoming incoherent at some point during the weekend. What does this accomplish? I am not opposed to having a couple drinks every now and then. If you can't pee on your own (he couldn't so he says) there is a problem. Furthermore, why would you tell anyone? Does this make you proud? Do you earn a purple heart for drunkeness? I think not. I have recently experienced alcohol for the first time. I did it for the thrill I guess. Keep in mind, my "experience" was several sips of a mixed drink, but still. Eventually, I had to confess to Jada haha. But you never know what will happen when me and Kayla "go out"...

Finally, the happiest of all the subjects. Music is my passion. I have said many times that I eat, sleep, and breathe music and I do. I have a lot of qualms with the music industry and the many divisions that exist within it. I'm toying with the idea of starting a separate blog to release my angst. Blogging is the least I can do until I can get there to fix it. That is if Belmont will ever ACCEPT ME! (Pray for an acceptance letter in the mail...I'm dying here)

Day of Solitude

I am enjoying a day of rest and peace trying to recover from the birthday festivities. Although the effects of mass food consumption tend to linger quite a while. That would probably explain my clothing choice of overalls. God bless'em they never feel snug ;)
My last entry hit quite a low note. Today I am thankful to say that God is blessing me with pleasant memories. My dad and the events surrounding his death are still on my mind, but on a pleasanter (if that is possible) note. I've been thinking about all the people who were there with me through it all. The ones I called and they cried with me. The ones who drove ridiculously far to be at his funeral. The ones who prayed more than I will ever know. The ones who stayed with me at night when I didn't want to be alone. They are all special to me. I realized that these same people were also there for me on my birthday, to celebrate with me. They got in their car and took off again just because they care. For any 20 year old that would mean a lot. But for me it means everything.

20

I'll start out by saying I had an amazing day yesterday with friends. I could not have dreamed it any better. Today was good too. Lots of family and friends. Even a surprise visitor from Raleigh. What I really want though is my Daddy. After an amazing weekend here I am falling apart, alone in my room. My mom knows I was upset but she doesn't know how much. And she just blames it on me being tired. She is allowed to fall apart for no reason, but there is always an excuse for me. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I couldn't even handle brushing my teeth. I keep seeing him lying there. I just keep reliving it. I just want it to go away. I feel hopeless and I'm scared. What if I can't move on? What if I just stay trapped in this hole for the rest of my life. That's what it feels like. The more I claw at the walls, the deeper I go. I can't do this. It's not fair. Everyone focuses so much on my mom at church. I know she lost her best friend and I know she needs help too. But can't they see both of us hurt? Am I that good at hiding it? I don't feel like it. I want to go back to being numb like when I left school. That was easier. Lord, please bring sunshine soon.

Desire for Accomplishment-Dedication-Me

Today I officially became a registered Independent Business Owner. I work with Amway Global. I have heard different stories from different people about their experiences with the corporation. It has come a long way in 30 or so years. This region of the South was saturated with IBOs during that time. Some people I graduated with and I are working together to make some money on the side. Mostly to save, but to also pay for everyday expenses while going through school. I prayed about it and I feel that this is an opportunity that God wants me to take. If for no other reason then to teach me some dedication and the value of a dollar. At this point I am not using Blogger to plug my business, but if I see that this works out well, I'm not above it. :)

Ups & Downs

Just needed to clear my head a little. This weekend has been both great and horrible. I spent a night with Jada at Montreat and had a blast. I was sad to leave the college atmosphere. I learned that I would suffocate at Montreat. The rooms are microscopic and so is the campus and the dining hall and the class size and the road leading to the campus, etc. It's perfect for Jada, not for me. Still, I had fun. Sunday I came home and spent the afternoon at "the baby's" house. My mom requested that I pick her up something for supper. She called ahead, but when I arrived they hadn't yet made the pizza. As I sat and waited a feeling of deep sorrow and loss swept over me. I have become especially susceptible to these spells when I am tired. We stayed up late Saturday night and got up early for church, so I guess I was asking for it. My mom has been in a haze for the past few days and her mood was easily spread when I walked in the door crying. For those few more hours that we were awake that night we were lost in a world all our own. In our world there are bittersweet memories at every turn and nearly everything is reason enough to cry, good or bad. These visits to the land of loss are becoming fewer slowly, but they tend to sneak up at the most random times. As we talked today I think we touched on some of the reasons for my sudden outburst. First and foremost, I miss my Daddy more than I can say. There are things I wish to ask him all the time, things I want him to fix, but everyday I just need a hug. Last Sunday, I longed to hear him ask "Is that new?" to my outfit. He often asked even when the clothing was years old, but it meant he noticed. He took everything in and that is what I am trying to do. I want to soak in the months I have here with my mom and the moments we share together. I know all too well that one day, any day, she will not be there. Second, I miss my friends. My high school friends are back in school after Christmas break and it leaves a lonely after taste. Last week I had plans. This week I don't. The weekends are better. Alexx comes back to town and we usually see a movie or something, but sometimes he is busy with his high school buddies. I have several friends who still live at home, but they work and go to school and its hard to coordinate plans. The black mood is slowly lifting, but I still hear sniffling coming from my mom's room. Such an occurrence is not uncommon these days. She does very well for weeks and then it all hits her again, but she gets back up and goes on. For that, I am very proud of her. After all, life knocks you down and you get back up again. I guess thats just the way it works.