The Present is the Future

Here I am. Somewhere between a sophomore or junior in college. Not even that part of my life is clear. I am still in a stage of loneliness. This too shall pass. The waiting is easier said then done however. I feel unsteady. Like I'm standing on the ledge and rocks are breaking and sliding down the cliff. The hole I sometimes find myself in isn't the Grand Canyon, thank goodness. I've been there and would rather not go back. I'd say I spend at least one day a week half way there though. There is a large difference between halfway down and the bottom. On the other hand, there is a large gap between halfway down and the top too. I know what the problem is. I rely too heavily on people to make me happy. People change. People forget. People aren't reliable. Our best friends aren't always going to be able to fix us. They aren't always going to be there when we need them, in the way we need them. Most importantly, people only know what we tell them. When we don't open up and share the real issue they have even less of a chance of helping. God knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I'm feeling. He never leaves me. He always loves me no matter what I look like, sound like, act like. He never forgets me.
I still miss Daddy. I know I always will, but it still hurts. It's still fresh. I can feel the 24th creeping up on me, but I spend the majority of my time away from my family and closest friends and that is making it much harder. At least when I miss him I know where the sadness comes from. I know the cause of it. I know there is no fix for it but time. A big part of me wants to crawl in a hole and wait until Christmas. Possibly even for a few years. It seems easier just to lay in bed and cry rather than try to reach out to somebody. There is no one who truly understands. Sure some come close, but they don't really understand. I want to quit life for the next twenty days. I want to stay in bed and pretend I'm dead. But I can't. I won't.
The future is so much brighter than this. I know it is. It has to be. The things I see fulfilling my life are in the future. God is amazing. I have blessings now. But oh those of the future. How beautiful it will be. The best present I've ever gotten is the future.

Skype vs. Real World

Skype is a wonderful invention. Last night it allowed me to talk to a soldier in Iraq for over an hour. I saw his bed and a slice of how he lives. Plus it was cool to actually see each other while talking. After awhile the phone gets old! However, today my goal is to think as little as possible about the conversation. Appreciate the moment. Thank God for my "best" and not beg God for more or something different. In Skype world life is lovely. Nothing matters except the conversation you're having with whomever you're seeing. In the real world life is crazy. There are emotions that we often feel when we aren't meant to or some we don't that we should be feeling. Not to even mention the schoolwork and work and service projects and making up work from last week...well, you get the picture. Point being, "yay" for skype. "Ugh" for life. Luckily peace is only a few mouse clicks away.

Less Than An Hour or It's Free!

I am ashamed to say that I long ago fell off the bandwagon of spiritual growth. It's a grave disappointment considering my unwavering commitment in that lone week of accomplishment. I did learn some things, but they aren't habits as I had hoped they would be. The past week I've been sick and at home with my mother. That sounds kind of negative now that I look at it, but there were many good points. My mom was there to clean up my throw up and really, no matter your age, who wants to clean up anyone's throw up, even their own? I wasn't just lying around in my silent apartment. I am certain that would have lead me straight to the asylum. I know App has a lot to offer. I know I need to dive deeper. This week my first goal is to keep my head above the rushing tide of make-up work, tests, and meetings with less than agreeable professors. (I have one who is willing to fight for his students. I may send him in against my psychology professor. A girl has to do what a girl has to do.) I've made and remade life decisions this week. Most of them as a solution to a problem that didn't exist. The outcome: I need a life!! There are the makings of one in my hands. I have friends in classes and I know where to go for christian fellowship. This week I'm going to get off my lazy butt and go out and do something. Even if I only go to the library to study. If I was a Sim that alone would feel my social meter! I'm done with my pity party. I'm a firm believer in self pity. Everyone needs a moment of it now and then. You just can't build a house there. The schools are no good and the pizza delivery man is always slow.

Day 7: Week One Accomplished

I've spent a whole week and overall maintained the goals I set out to. I'm still learning to manage food and water intake as well as physical activity, but the truly important elements I have handled much better. I have blogged everyday and what I have written is an accurate portrait of the day it represents. I don't want to hide the hard parts and or the joyful parts from my self at the end of this journey. I had a pleasant day with my mom today. We ate good food, unhealthy, but American! I spent time doing some reading for school. I took care of emailing professors about questions I had. And tomorrow I'm going to nanny!!!! I saw Reagan Saturday night and she reached for me. Actually, she nearly jumped off Karley's lap :D Our kinship survived the distance.
A day of nannying also provides some peaceful personal reflection time. Which I've slacked in the past couple days. I want to continue to be open to what God has for me to hear and see in this 30 Days. There is more in my mind that I'd like to express, but the sleeping pill I just took is winning the battle for coherency. Hopefully a new revelation of wisdom or strength or patience will come tomorrow in the peaceful sounds of toys banging and music playing and through games of patticake. Consider this my white flag.

Day 6

I have a headache. I've done nothing that I vowed to do today. I've prayed and I've studied, but not like I should have. All I want to do is read or watch mindless television. I feel tired and empty. It's not like all the amazing things I've learned the past five days have vanished, it's just I've allowed them to be covered by life today. Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually really satisfying. I slept late. I had my mom's macaroni and cheese for lunch. I got to see my adopted parents. We even went out to eat with them. My mom went out into public! I went to visit Reagan and spend time with Tonja and Karley. It was at the point in the evening that my mom called me upset because she found a knot on her back that my emotions took a nose dive. I flew home begging God not to take the first hope of healing in months away. After talking to the surgeon on call it was determined that is most likely a small bit of fluid that should go away on its own. I didn't realize how on edge I am until that happened. One moment of panic took me down. I was no match for impending disappointment. I'm not supposed to be. God is. That's His department. I'm currently debating whether or not I'm going to church tomorrow. I enjoy being there, but I'm also lonely. I sit on the pew where my whole family once sat, alone. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who want nothing but the best for me. They hug me and pray for me. They all ask about my mom. But they don't fill the void of my dad and my mom. I was beginning to be able to handle being there with just my mom. But just me I still struggle with. At supper we talked about how Jamie and his family don't come to church and how my dad desired him to do so. Jamie told me and my mom and the pastor that it was still too hard because of Daddy. Part of me thinks its a cop out. But in reality I do the same. I don't go to church when I have a bad night on Saturday. I can't cry for Daddy and then go to the place he loved most to be. I am beginning to understand that a large part of my desire for a relationship is trying to fill the void of my father. It never made sense to me before. I heard doctors say and watched tv specials about people grieving over losing their dad and trying to fill that need for love with a boyfriend. I thought "that's gross. it's a different love. how could that work?" The truth is that it really happens. In someways, when a girl gets married she trades her dad for her husband. Her spouse becomes her provider and protector, the roles the father played first. I know I should turn to God to meet those needs. And I'm trying desperately. But there's something about being able to physically touch someone. To physically be able to put your head on someone's shoulder. God here I am. Tell me how to do this. I'm lost.