Sunday, October 4, 2009

The Present is the Future

Here I am. Somewhere between a sophomore or junior in college. Not even that part of my life is clear. I am still in a stage of loneliness. This too shall pass. The waiting is easier said then done however. I feel unsteady. Like I'm standing on the ledge and rocks are breaking and sliding down the cliff. The hole I sometimes find myself in isn't the Grand Canyon, thank goodness. I've been there and would rather not go back. I'd say I spend at least one day a week half way there though. There is a large difference between halfway down and the bottom. On the other hand, there is a large gap between halfway down and the top too. I know what the problem is. I rely too heavily on people to make me happy. People change. People forget. People aren't reliable. Our best friends aren't always going to be able to fix us. They aren't always going to be there when we need them, in the way we need them. Most importantly, people only know what we tell them. When we don't open up and share the real issue they have even less of a chance of helping. God knows what I'm thinking. He knows what I'm feeling. He never leaves me. He always loves me no matter what I look like, sound like, act like. He never forgets me.
I still miss Daddy. I know I always will, but it still hurts. It's still fresh. I can feel the 24th creeping up on me, but I spend the majority of my time away from my family and closest friends and that is making it much harder. At least when I miss him I know where the sadness comes from. I know the cause of it. I know there is no fix for it but time. A big part of me wants to crawl in a hole and wait until Christmas. Possibly even for a few years. It seems easier just to lay in bed and cry rather than try to reach out to somebody. There is no one who truly understands. Sure some come close, but they don't really understand. I want to quit life for the next twenty days. I want to stay in bed and pretend I'm dead. But I can't. I won't.
The future is so much brighter than this. I know it is. It has to be. The things I see fulfilling my life are in the future. God is amazing. I have blessings now. But oh those of the future. How beautiful it will be. The best present I've ever gotten is the future.