Wednesday, July 16, 2008

It's Personal

I've never been really happy with myself. It's not that I think I'm ugly or anything. I've just never felt like I'm much to look at I guess. Weight is the touchiest subject. I knew I'd been eating more this summer and exercising less and less frequently, but I just ignored it. I started being pickier about what I pulled out of my closet. The winners becoming less and less fitted. But tonight...a true test. My little black dress, bought especially for my brother's wedding rehearsal. It doesn't fit. I mean physically it slides on my body and zips, but the end product is NOT acceptable. My parents however, met the questions with the utmost grace and lies. "I don't see anything wrong with it. You look beautiful." But I can't believe them. I feel like God is sticking ten dollar bills in their pockets with each compliment. "Don't lay it on too thick now", is what I hear in my head. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but when your self esteem has only reached positive numbers instead of being below zero in the last year and a half, there is no room to give. What makes even less sense is that the size of this dress should be very exciting to me seeing as how it does zip and everything. This dress should be a great milestone in my quest for positive body image. Thus why I write. To work through yet another problem and hopefully make it feel smaller. At least I have other dresses in my closet that I do feel fine in. At least I got a wake-up call before I start looking like I did in High School again.
Looking back at all this, I sound very self-absorbed. I know there are dying people in Africa and thousands of other places, probably even just down the street. But then again, if you don't think you are worth saving how can you think they are. So, issue addressed, as personal as it is and I feel better knowing I told "someone" exactly how I feel.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

This Is Me You're Talking To

To Whom It May Concern:

I know more than you think I do which makes it hurt even more when you give your explanation. I know what is a lie and what scant pieces are the truth. What do you want to accomplish here? Break my heart? Done. Make it impossible for me to trust you? Done. Make me feel worse about myself than I already did? Done. Who are you really? I would ask you in person, but I wouldn't believe your answer. You have wiped any lingering wishes to remain here from my mind. I have only one desire now, to be truly free of you and your influence. Am I that worthless that you can toss me around like a toy? Does the hurt in my eyes and the tears streaming down my cheeks not affect you in anyway? Oh, that's right. You never see those. You aren't there when I'm crying at night. When I'm alone in my room staring at the mirror picking out all the things wrong with me physically and contemplating those flaws I can't see. How much of our relationship was a lie really? Was it hard to suffer through all that time spent with me? You could have left a long time ago. It would have been easier for us both. I just thought you should know what is really happening behind the smile I flash you next time I see you.
...because I'll never say it.