Friday, March 20, 2009

The Time for Change Has Come

Since my junior year of high school I have known no other dream than Belmont and Nashville. My freshman year of college confirmed that I had heard from God. I have never felt more at peace and secure. I had never been more sure that God had spoken and I had listened. I still have no doubt in my heart or mind that Belmont was the place for me to begin my independent life. Kindall and Rebecca have changed my life forever. I know that we will remain friends despite our separation. The last few weeks God has been telling me what my next move should be. That is in fact to leave my beloved city and Belmont. I have this overwhelming desire to write about music. Belmont established the knowledge and love for the industry. It showed me that I could follow my dreams and succeed. Blogger has given me the platform to write about the thing I am most passionate about...MUSIC. (You should check out Musicality) God is showing me how to combine my talents in a way that will fulfill me as a whole person and completely follow Him. I have loved kids for as long as I can remember. When I was younger teaching was all I could see myself doing. It has become so again. Thus I will be taking classes this summer to make up some Gen Ed requirements and then transferring to Appalachian State University in Boone, NC or NC State in Raleigh. ASU is my first choice, but we will see what doors God opens up. Through everything I have experienced and down all the roads I have traveled to get to where I am I see God working and crafting me into his servant.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

3/11/08 12:11AM

I am writing this on Tuesday night. I’ll have to post it later because of my lack of internet access. I am enjoying a week at the beach that has not been without its downfalls. I am currently waiting for my saturated shoulders to soak up all the lidocaine infused aloe I just smeared all over them. Yes, there is pain.
Overall, this week has been amazing. The miracles started on Sunday morning at church. Pastor Danny spoke what he was moved by the Lord to say. It was to me. On multiple occasions I have heard God speak and thought part of that was for me or I could get something from that. Not this time. Jesus was talking to me. There may have been others that also needed to hear, but I had to hear it. Thus my heart has been calmed by these (paraphrased) words:
I have seen the tears you have cried when no one was watching. I have bottled them all...I love you and accept you despite your fears and failures. I know you are hurt. You have had time to do things on your own. Come back to me. I have missed you. I desire you. I want to be close to you the way I used to be. I know the desires and wishes of your heart and if you follow me, when the time is right, I will give them to you.

Such simple concepts can do so much when they are taken to heart. I never know how far I have gotten from God until He reminds me what we had together. There was a time that I saw God as my best friend. Through all of my mistakes I have run from him. Every sin adds a brick to the wall between us. We all sin everyday, but when you loose the honest repentance of your heart, you loose your chance for righteousness. Once again I want to say that I tell God everything. My favorite prayer times aren’t at church surrounded by people, but instead just me, sitting on my bed, talking to my Savior. Not because He won’t know what happened or what I need if I don’t tell him, but because I desire communion with the Most High.

I will give my utmost for his Highest.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Post Atlanta

My marvelous Atlanta trip has passed. It was, thankfully, better than I had anticipated. Much better. It was a much needed break from the craziness that is our life. For me it also had a deeper meaning. It felt like God telling me "I don't mean for you to hate this guy. I just mean that romance is not meant ya'll". Yes, God says "ya'll". We are close friends and He accepts my poor southern excuse for grammar. Speaking of God and I's relationship I feel that this crash and burn romantic life is a much needed opportunity to become closer to my Savior. If only I could remember that at all times of the day.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Titanic Aquatic

I am going to Atlanta on Thursday with a guy. A guy that I used to like even though I shouldn't have. This guy very recently, as in Sunday, told me that he just saw me as a friend (a family friend which some how makes it worse). Now I am torn between excitement and dread about the trip. I feel like we have a lot to say to each other. I feel like we both owe each other some explanations. The situation is further complicated by the fact he is leaving for Iraq on the 15th of this month. As long as I'm not face to face with him my feelings are that I hate he's going to war but we need the time apart. "This town is just too small for us to really say goodbye". I need him to leave me alone, let me be mad, let me be hurt, let me move on. Let me make it clear that I haven't just been following this guy around with puppy dog eyes while he told he was "just not that into me". For the past three months everything he has done has signaled to me I love you as more than a friend, but that wasn't the case. I know without a doubt that the relationship was never meant to be and God has been telling me to let it go for some time. I didn't listen so he had to do it for me. Overall I'm not going to let a friend go to war with any doubt that I care for him or with any doubt that I will move on now. If for some reason we don't return Thursday night send a search party. We are probably on the side of the road clawing each other's eyes out.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Blizzard 09

I admit the word blizzard is used in a very loose, southern way. There is a good 4 or 5 inches of snow on the ground and it continues to fall. Snow feels pure and secure. It doesn't clank on the roof or bounce off cars. It falls peacefully to the ground wherever God wills it. I want to be like snow. I want to freefall into God's will with total trust in his power to catch me before I hit bottom. This snow in particular is special to me and my mom. While it is the first snowstorm without Daddy, she and I both wanted one good snow before spring. Here it is. A silent fortress is being built by angels around our house. As Daddy would have me do, I pulled out the flashlights. I feel more than prepared for darkness with my dad's law enforcement sized Maglite. Snow makes night feel like day. God's nightlight. Over the past couple days, I have admittedly lost focus on God's will and provision. I have allowed myself to become caught up in the turmoil of this life. Complications which are so temporary they mean nothing in the long term. The snow falling outside brings my focus back to God. No one can make it snow but Him. He has renewed my dedication to draw closer to Him. For many years I have longed to be completely lost in God. Completely satisfied with Him; confident that I could lose everything and still have all I need. The older I get, the more I realize that this desire was kindled in my heart to prepare me for when I meet who I am supposed to marry. I cannot unite in the Lord with someone when I can't unite with my Savior myself. I cannot love someone if I cannot love myself as God's creation, perfect and planned. I am not on a "manhunt". I am not driven to succeed on worldly terms. I want God. I need God. I have God. He is within me and I am covered under his mercy and grace. There is nothing He can't do. Nothing He will not forgive. No distance too great for him to rescue me.

I need you Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There is no other name
By which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you
I will follow you
This world has nothing for me