Monday, September 13, 2010

Another Manic Monday

I am NOT a fan of Mondays. Well, let's be honest. It's not the day I dislike as much as the first day of the week. Today is my mom's birthday. This is the first birthday since I've been alive that I haven't been there. I called and chatted with her and she seems to be doing well. I'm a little sad, but I'll never admit that. Then come the grandmothers.
Mamaw has been at Genesis elder care for several weeks now. She takes so many medications she just simply can't keep up with them anymore. When she misses the especially vital ones she literally goes crazy. Alas, no more will this be a problem as my mother informed me this morning during the birthday call that she is officially going to Assisted Living. She will either stay where she is or go to another facility across town. Mamaw is the perfect old lady for an assisted living center. She wants attention, her hair done, and someone to do things for her. Check. She has them all now. Many people would see this transition as a sad thing. I'm actually glad. I wish she was still getting along fine on her own of course, but in her condition she is better off this way and so is the family. We couldn't possibly meet all her needs all the time. And of course we want the best for her.
Then there is Mimi. Mimi will openly tell you she would rather go to her grave than be put in a nursing home. Mimi's sisters ALL had Alzheimer's. She is sharp as a tack still. Mimi does have osteoporosis and you can hear her bones creak when you hold her hand. Broken bones? Of course not. Today she fell against her washing machine. She landed on the kitchen floor. (A less than cushy landing pad.) After a brief visit to the hospital she has no major injuries. She amazes me. We thought hearing the news that her only child, her world for as long as he was alive, had died would kill her. It didn't. In some ways she did better than the rest of us.
I have the blood of both these women running through my veins. Won't it be interesting to see how I age?

On a brighter note: Mamaw's possessions will have to be dealt with. In anticipation of such an event, my uncle and mother have her house in their name. My mom told me they were going to have to sell it. Papaw built that house. I don't want to see that leave the family.
This school year is a completion of many freshman year hopes. Kindall and I are living together on West End. We live in a fabulous apartment building with fabulous neighbors. After this year where does that leave me though? Kindall will graduate and continue on with life and I will be left here for another academic year. I'm not worried about living alone. Been there. Done that. The whole finding another roommate thing is less than appealing honestly. There is pretty much no one who could live with me and be as undisturbed and undisturbing as Kindall. There are other high school friends that I would enjoy living with. We wouldn't see eye to eye as much as Kindall and I, but we'd have fun. They aren't here. That is the glitch in the plan.
But...Mamaw's house is mine if I ask for it. Well, mine if I pay rent and eventually buy it, but mine nonetheless. In short, plans are coming together. There are pieces falling into place or those that could fall into place.
God and I are currently in the middle of a lesson on trusting Him to meet my needs and fulfill the desires of my heart. It's like today is a little glimpse of what is possible. I am a very small child. If you don't show me what's in your hand I will tell you its not there.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

A Constant State of Crisis

I watched Blood Diamond today. I just signed up for Netflix and Leo got the privilege of being the first leading man to show up in my mailbox. There is very little to laugh at in this movie. The story is horrifically true, at least the setting. But somewhere in the middle the only woman seen multiple times in the film says, "3 out of 5 ex-boyfriends recently polled, said I prefer to be in a constant state of crisis." This is funny and surprisingly true. I have no desire to hang out in the middle of a war or to make friends with diamond smugglers. In some since though, I prefer a state of crisis. I am rarely completely satisfied in my current situation. I am rarely, actually I don't think I've ever been, at peace with every part of my life. Nobody is, I know. But maybe I enjoy it. Maybe I like being a little confused. A little uneasy. I think it keeps me aware. Part of me is glad that my life has not followed the typical timeline. I am graduating a year late from college then going to Grad school. Even during grad school, I have no idea where I will be. If there was the supposed "high school sweetheart" it is very possible I would not be typing this in a Nashville apartment.
I use the term "crisis" loosely here. I don't mean an identity crisis where I decide I'm meant to be a nun. (goodness no.) More of a constant state of uncertainty. Admittedly, I fight this all the time. But the movie Blood Diamond, one quote anyway, gave me the words to describe my outlook. My college years, and most likely the years that directly follow, are made up of small crises waiting to be averted. It's okay. I've got this.