Saturday, December 26, 2009

Getting Situated

While catching up on SNL episodes I am evaluating my life and how I feel about its current state. Earlier I described my mood as invisible. There was no one available to do anything with and I have spent all day at home. Again God is telling me to let go and let him. So simple in theory, but oh so hard to do. So tonight I resumed the search for a Nashville apartment. More than Appalachian, I think I'm truly moving away from the time since October 2008. That month was the end of my comfortable, well-oiled life. It is almost as though I am still waiting for life to resume, like its been on pause for a year.
God is also teaching me about waiting on Him. Mentally, I have a set of backup plans should God's go wrong. In my heart, I am terrified of never getting married and having children. I have to learn to live without the dreams I have held onto for fifteen years. I need to become satisfied by God alone. He is everything I need. He comforts me. He even knows the number of tears I have cried. He has watched me when I was doing things wrong and tossed those very sights into the sea of forgetfulness. He loves me unconditionally. He is both a parent and a lover because he is "I Am". Immanuel. My favorite name for God is "Prince of Peace" because I usually lack that quality most. For a while now I have settled in my relationship with God. I've stopped actively pursuing more. Tonight God reminded me that he is at work everywhere even when I don't see it. He is working in people around me. Again I am on my knees Lord. Show me, please, how to be me while following you. Help me make those decisions that are staring me in the face and to leave behind the nightmares of the past and the dread of the future.

Lord Move or Move Me

I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?
I feel like a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway?
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you'd understand

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

I've look every where to find
A simple peace of mind
I can't find nothing on my own
So I got to leave myself behind
Take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong
And you know it's been way too long (been way too long)

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve Will Find Me

As I was getting ready for bed I started thinking about God choosing to come to Earth as a man. My mom and I were just saying how tired we were from cooking. And, let's be honest from family (they can wear you out!). God stepped into this. He stepped into pain and disappointment. He stepped into stress and panic. He descended into a world of temptation and chaos. All for me. All for us. I know I complain all the time about being tired or about traffic. About my pants not fitting right. About my latte being wrong. In the last 18 months I have found myself thinking, "why am I here? why this town? why couldn't you drop me in plantation days?" The truth is I didn't have a choice. God saw what was best and what he wanted my life to be and he set it up for me. He set me up for success. Everything he knew that I would face in life, he also knew that Jesus would face. Yet, Jesus came. My savior came and slept on hay, calmed storms, obeyed his parents, faced temptation, died, and rose again. I've heard Mark Lowry talk about what it must have been like raising Jesus. For instance if he didn't shut a door, "were you born in a barn?" Jesus Christ has been there, done that, got the scars. And thank you Lord for saving my life.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

In Between

I got an email the other day from a wonderful friend. She reminded me that God has not left me behind and that what he really wants is to be "the one". I know this, but I don't like to admit it or even acknowledge the truth behind it. It's Christmas and I want to enjoy being with my family. I want to enjoy the friends I have near and far. Here it is. This weird in-between stage again. Again, I have to decide what to do with it. I'm going with be happy this time. Be optimistic. Soak it in. I don't know what is in store for the next semester or year or the rest of my life. But I don't have to. I just have to trust God and enjoy his presence. He is the ultimate friend, lover, guardian, and father.

Friday, December 4, 2009

(in the words of my sister-in-law) I'm just Gonna Lay It All Out There

The semester is coming to an end. Aside from exams, you'd think that would be a relief. My life remains complicated and out of whack no matter the season. Thanks to my slacker advisor and top secret registrar's office, I missed early registration. Thus I can't register for Spring until January 7th. I have to go to traffic court on the 15th. I'm seriously considering paying the ticket. The court date and time is right in the middle of an exam which just adds more conflicting madness. If I could pay off my professor instead, believe me I'd do it. My exams really aren't going to be hard. It's just once again a combination of all kinds of things. I'm still not happy with where my life is right now. I don't feel like I'm walking around with a crappy attitude all the time. Actually it'd been several weeks since I had an "I hate ASU" session. My emotions, or should i say, serotonin levels, are a different story. I've taken anti-depressants for over a year now. They haven't failed me yet...until now. I can't stop eating. I realize it's not the most glorious thing to post on the web for all to see, but if you saw my waist and how it expanded you would know anyway. In high school, Christmas of freshman year, I saw a picture of myself and had a life changing epiphany. I saw I was fat and did something about it. I've kept it off ever since. I'm finding it where I left it now. In midnight cookies and extra helpings. For some reason, apparently a biological one, I see food as a comfort. Food doesn't reject me and it always fits, not too mention tastes good. Oh my Lord, I'm becoming my mother! Worse still, I just got switched from Lexapro to Prozac. I am now the ultimate psychological cliche.
Adding to that is the season of Christmas. Only the second without my dad. My mom has taken a turn for the best. She seems to truly be accepting the concept of moving on. The problem is that her idea of moving on directly conflicts with my idea of remembering. I stood in the kitchen tonight getting something to drink. I looked at the white Christmas tree with blue ornaments, the new couch, the empty left side of the carport. I thought about the bookshelf now in place of my dad's desk and I thought "it's like he was never here". Nothing is the same as it was 15 months ago. I'm not the same and I never will be. I've always thought of a house as a permanent physical structure that only changes every fifty years. Suddenly this is not the house I grew up in. The last place I saw Daddy alive was on the end of the couch. He always sat there watching tv and dozing off at night. Before I went to bed I told him goodnight. The couch he was sitting on isn't there anymore. It's in my apartment, yes, but it's not "where he left it".
Wow. I sound ridiculously pathetic. But wait! There's more. I like a guy who is most likely severely wrong for me at best and sees me as a sister at worst. Maybe not. Maybe I imagine these things. I can honestly say that I have reached the age of commitment. I'm craving "the one" and all that comes with him. The support. The love. The affection. The house. The dog and 2.5 children... I'm only twenty years old, but I'm a junior in college. What happens after that? What if I'm in the same spot I am now? I don't know. I don't understand why God couldn't send him last year. In the moments when I was truly more alone than I've ever been. Why not let him be there to help me through. Sometimes I think maybe he was, but that's a whole other blog.