Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Every Girl Loves a Real Good Cry

I didn't cry on Father's Day. I felt sad, but there were never tears. Maybe last night was just my emotions catching up. I just finished a book called Second Guessing God. It caught my eye in the bookstore because I still have questions about why God allows things to happen. This book didn't answer those questions directly, but it did help me to see the good that can come of them. The last chapter is what brought the tears. Chapter 11 was "Heaven." The author listed all the things that make heaven great. Things we know for sure even though heaven is beyond our comprehension. Children never attend their parent's funeral was one of those things. Needless to say, I immediately pictured Daddy's funeral. But I also pictured him in heaven. I pictured seeing him again. Seeing him at the end of my life with many stories to tell. Many accomplishments to share. Children to share.
After I finished that book, I started Captivating. My cousin told me to read this book. So when I saw it in the bookstore I grabbed it. After only reading the introduction and first chapter, I'm a fan. It talks about God-given femininity. I'm not a girly girl by any means. But I'm not a Tomboy. Where does that leave me? At times I try to hide the fact that I want a "prince." As the Facebook bumper sticker says, "Where the hell is my prince?!" Now given I've shed the images of the white horse and shining armor. But I would like to keep the guy underneath. I go through stages where I'm happy where I am and times when I look forward to the future, but know there is changing to do before I get there. If I had met "my man" two years ago we would now both be drastically different people. The book also talks about a woman's desire to be romanced and to unveil beauty. So, here are my thoughts: I'm in the process of learning to value myself. Learning what I want out of life and accomplishing some of those before its too late. Occasionally, I'm overwhelmed by the idea that my life is only settled for the year. After the lease is up where will I go? I won't be done with school more than likely. What if the friends all leave and pursue jobs and other things and I'm left here? The reality is there is still a YEAR left for things to happen. For directions to be given. For things to fall into place.
The most honest prayers from me come in times of uncertainty. I may be finding out where I stand on a lot of things, but I still talk to God and I still want his approval. Last night I had a literal "come to Jesus meeting." It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds, but sometimes its necessary, let's be real. God knew what he was doing when he separated Kindall and I and then through us in this West End apartment together. We've had new experiences. We feel different about some things. We both still want to be beyond this single phase, but we are both happy here as well. Now if I can just remember that God knows what happens next so I don't have to...

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Road Maps

I was just looking up directions to a church. Just before I was discussing Grad school with my roommate. When did THAT happen?? I'm realizing that this is the time in my life to experience whatever I want. I can go wherever. Do whatever. Learn whatever. Eventually, God is going to send that man along that will stop me in my tracks. Until then, I am FREE. All of the things that I've ever wanted to do, I can. God has given me a road map. It's my heart. So here goes everything.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Thank God, I'm Free At Last

The title may be a slight exaggeration, but not by much. This time last year I had to make a choice. I could go back to Belmont and trust that my mom and family would be okay without me and I without them. I could stay close to home and pick a career I knew for sure I could do and that would come easily. I chose the latter. Wrong. God was and is capable of handling things without me there to keep an eye on them. He has equipped me with everything I need to go wherever He wants me to go.
A year later I'm sitting in the cutest apartment I've ever seen on West End, living with Kindall! The best part is that I'm finally where I'm meant to be. For ASU, nothing came together easily. I had a hard time finding somewhere to live, getting moved, getting registered, and the biggest issue was financial aid. Everything fell into place for Belmont. I'm waiting for the job to fall into place as well. But for now I have what I need to live. The truth is I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I like it this way. God is asking me to trust Him COMPLETELY. So here I am Lord. Show me what, where, when, how...

I have to confess that I'd like to meet him. Whoever it is that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I may have already. Who knows? But thats another security blanket and I don't need it. God knows the desires of my heart. I get the easy part...sit back and enjoy the ride.

Also, Chi-Chi, I am happy to report, has accepted her new home. Now if I could just teach her not to hiss at the guests or the roomie...