Monday, May 11, 2009


For some reason I cannot explain I feel lonely. I feel left behind, although by whom I cannot say. Mother's Day was good. I spent lots of time with family and tried to do all I could to show my mom how thankful I am to have her. I have learned that it is not a given that you will have two parents until well into adulthood. Mimi finished the evening in tears as she did even before her son died, but now its harder to ignore. She was the last one to take home and as I was walking out the door she broke down again. I know her hurt is deeper than mine. I know that Daddy was her life and blood and he was all she had. But it was one statement, the one I hear over and over from everyone, that was the breaking point. She said, "I know you lost your Daddy, but you don't understand. Jimmy was my right arm." Yes! I am aware that he was your son and my mom's best friend. I know this is the hardest thing they have done. I know they knew him, depended on him longer than I did. But for once I need someone to say "You lost your Daddy. I'm so sorry." Don't follow it with a if and or but. This is my hurt too. I feel like I'm not allowed to hurt because I didn't lose my child or my husband. But I did lose my father. He won't be here to see me graduate college, to walk me down the aisle, or to hold my children. There were so many things he was supposed to see. And I feel alone today. My mom is depending on me to take care of the house and support her through her back pain. I want to be there for her. My grandmothers are depending on me for groceries and to take them to the doctor. But I'm collapsing and theres no one here to catch me. I'm taking care of Reagan during the day and when I come home I play mom to my mom. This is real life. I can't drop out of life like I did school. All I could think of last night was to ask God why he was taking people away from me and not giving me anyone. Why am I being left behind?

Monday, May 4, 2009

I Want God To Move His Furniture

I have to admit I like the feeling of getting up early. I have extra time to do things like blog and also eat breakfast (first things first). What I do not care for is the actual waking up part. Therefore the only reason I am in such a laid back state today is I just randomly woke up.
They have been calling for rain and storms for two days now. I wish it would storm especially. I don't enjoy damaging winds and flash flooding mind you, but for some reason thunder makes me feel closer to God. It's like He is putting on a show just for me. More importantly, it causes me stop what I'm doing and listen to what He is saying. When I was little and I was afraid of thunder my mom told me it was just God moving His furniture. In some ways, I still see it that way now. To some it may feel like the sky is falling, but thats just the feeling I want. To feel that God has lowered the ceiling in this room we call Earth so that we could better hear what is going on upstairs.