Day 6

I have a headache. I've done nothing that I vowed to do today. I've prayed and I've studied, but not like I should have. All I want to do is read or watch mindless television. I feel tired and empty. It's not like all the amazing things I've learned the past five days have vanished, it's just I've allowed them to be covered by life today. Today wasn't a bad day. It was actually really satisfying. I slept late. I had my mom's macaroni and cheese for lunch. I got to see my adopted parents. We even went out to eat with them. My mom went out into public! I went to visit Reagan and spend time with Tonja and Karley. It was at the point in the evening that my mom called me upset because she found a knot on her back that my emotions took a nose dive. I flew home begging God not to take the first hope of healing in months away. After talking to the surgeon on call it was determined that is most likely a small bit of fluid that should go away on its own. I didn't realize how on edge I am until that happened. One moment of panic took me down. I was no match for impending disappointment. I'm not supposed to be. God is. That's His department. I'm currently debating whether or not I'm going to church tomorrow. I enjoy being there, but I'm also lonely. I sit on the pew where my whole family once sat, alone. I'm surrounded by people who love me and who want nothing but the best for me. They hug me and pray for me. They all ask about my mom. But they don't fill the void of my dad and my mom. I was beginning to be able to handle being there with just my mom. But just me I still struggle with. At supper we talked about how Jamie and his family don't come to church and how my dad desired him to do so. Jamie told me and my mom and the pastor that it was still too hard because of Daddy. Part of me thinks its a cop out. But in reality I do the same. I don't go to church when I have a bad night on Saturday. I can't cry for Daddy and then go to the place he loved most to be. I am beginning to understand that a large part of my desire for a relationship is trying to fill the void of my father. It never made sense to me before. I heard doctors say and watched tv specials about people grieving over losing their dad and trying to fill that need for love with a boyfriend. I thought "that's gross. it's a different love. how could that work?" The truth is that it really happens. In someways, when a girl gets married she trades her dad for her husband. Her spouse becomes her provider and protector, the roles the father played first. I know I should turn to God to meet those needs. And I'm trying desperately. But there's something about being able to physically touch someone. To physically be able to put your head on someone's shoulder. God here I am. Tell me how to do this. I'm lost.