Wednesday, July 16, 2008

It's Personal

I've never been really happy with myself. It's not that I think I'm ugly or anything. I've just never felt like I'm much to look at I guess. Weight is the touchiest subject. I knew I'd been eating more this summer and exercising less and less frequently, but I just ignored it. I started being pickier about what I pulled out of my closet. The winners becoming less and less fitted. But tonight...a true test. My little black dress, bought especially for my brother's wedding rehearsal. It doesn't fit. I mean physically it slides on my body and zips, but the end product is NOT acceptable. My parents however, met the questions with the utmost grace and lies. "I don't see anything wrong with it. You look beautiful." But I can't believe them. I feel like God is sticking ten dollar bills in their pockets with each compliment. "Don't lay it on too thick now", is what I hear in my head. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but when your self esteem has only reached positive numbers instead of being below zero in the last year and a half, there is no room to give. What makes even less sense is that the size of this dress should be very exciting to me seeing as how it does zip and everything. This dress should be a great milestone in my quest for positive body image. Thus why I write. To work through yet another problem and hopefully make it feel smaller. At least I have other dresses in my closet that I do feel fine in. At least I got a wake-up call before I start looking like I did in High School again.
Looking back at all this, I sound very self-absorbed. I know there are dying people in Africa and thousands of other places, probably even just down the street. But then again, if you don't think you are worth saving how can you think they are. So, issue addressed, as personal as it is and I feel better knowing I told "someone" exactly how I feel.

1 comment:

Kindall said...

You are beautiful no matter the dress size, so don't forget it! But believe me, I do understand the feeling and what I'm learning is that it's mostly in my head when I don't feel comfortable with myself. Don't let it get you down, and I'll be here in August to go to Taco Bell with you--and then the Beaman.