Monday, October 20, 2008

Life 85 - Me 0

If life was a football game I would have called a time out three weeks ago. That time out would last until I am able yet again to handle life. I know life is full of ups and downs. For the most part I would consider myself pretty good at looking back at the down times and valuing the lessons learned. This time I can't see the purpose. I am trying my hardest to see the good in me being back at home. To see the good in taking the rest of the semester off. To see the good in leaving my friends. To see the reason God is choosing to hold me still. You would think my inability to cope with the outside world would make it easier to focus on God. I have more time on my hands to pray and to read the Bible, but that's never what I end up doing.
First Assembly Mooresville has always been home. I've gone to the same church my entire life and there are plenty of people there who have watched me grow up. Going to church is always one of my favorite parts of coming home. But Sunday I walked in a few minutes late. Everyone was standing up singing. Their faces were just as friendly and warm as I remembered them, but I wanted to turn around and leave. Instead of thinking about the Awesome God I was singing about I was thinking "I had to come home." "I couldn't do it on my own". In that crowd of familiar and loving faces and in the midst of the music I felt the most alone I ever have. I finally turned to my mom and cried for the rest of the worship service. Everyone thought I was hearing from God that is was all going to be okay, but I wasn't. I just felt lost, like the one last safe haven had been taken from me. When prayer time came at the end of the service my parents hustled me to the front. The man praying, who happens to be one of my dad's friends, thanked God for bringing me home and asked that He provide a close school for me to attend. I was outraged. Not so much at his humble prayer, but at everyone for not understanding. Sure people are diagnosed with depression all the time, but they aren't 19 years old. They don't have to leave school in the middle of their sophomore year or try to explain to their friends why they have to go home or how they feel. There are no words to describe it. Sometimes I feel depressed. Sometimes I feel nervous. Sometimes I feel alone even when I'm not. Sometimes I feel worthless. Sometimes I feel numb. That is the worst one. At times we may wish to avoid the pain of losing someone or to rid ourselves of regret, but to feel nothing is worse than any emotion.
I have never truly felt forgotten by God or by anyone else. I don't know what to say when I pray anymore. I know He hasn't forgotten me. I know there is a reason. It's incredibly hard to remember that when you don't care to get out of bed some days or care to eat when you are hungry. When you can't find any purpose in living it's impossible to find purpose in waiting.

He knows the plans He has for me. Plans for hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

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