Monday, May 11, 2009
Rescue
For some reason I cannot explain I feel lonely. I feel left behind, although by whom I cannot say. Mother's Day was good. I spent lots of time with family and tried to do all I could to show my mom how thankful I am to have her. I have learned that it is not a given that you will have two parents until well into adulthood. Mimi finished the evening in tears as she did even before her son died, but now its harder to ignore. She was the last one to take home and as I was walking out the door she broke down again. I know her hurt is deeper than mine. I know that Daddy was her life and blood and he was all she had. But it was one statement, the one I hear over and over from everyone, that was the breaking point. She said, "I know you lost your Daddy, but you don't understand. Jimmy was my right arm." Yes! I am aware that he was your son and my mom's best friend. I know this is the hardest thing they have done. I know they knew him, depended on him longer than I did. But for once I need someone to say "You lost your Daddy. I'm so sorry." Don't follow it with a if and or but. This is my hurt too. I feel like I'm not allowed to hurt because I didn't lose my child or my husband. But I did lose my father. He won't be here to see me graduate college, to walk me down the aisle, or to hold my children. There were so many things he was supposed to see. And I feel alone today. My mom is depending on me to take care of the house and support her through her back pain. I want to be there for her. My grandmothers are depending on me for groceries and to take them to the doctor. But I'm collapsing and theres no one here to catch me. I'm taking care of Reagan during the day and when I come home I play mom to my mom. This is real life. I can't drop out of life like I did school. All I could think of last night was to ask God why he was taking people away from me and not giving me anyone. Why am I being left behind?
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3 comments:
So, your world got turned upside down. You did lose your daddy. You were thrust into a position where you had to take on a lot of responsibility that a lot of people don't have to deal with until they're much older than you are. I saw it when I came to visit you, and I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but you're handling it beautifully. You may not feel like that, but I saw you patiently take care of your mom after spending all day with a baby (although Reagan's super cute), you went out of the way to take me to visit your grandma, all while trying to keep things fun for me. Now that I think about it, I hope I didn't stress you out too much.
It's all a bit overwhelming, and it's not fair. Period. And I'm trying to find some positive aspects to this. The silver lining, ya know? The only thing I can really think of is that all of this responsibility gives you something to do instead of being alone, inactive, and focused on your pain. Having nobody to catch you gives you no other choice than to be caught by God. And who better to fall into, right?
I don't know your pain, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. Honestly, I don't even want to try to think about life without my father, which just makes me want to cry for your hurt. I know I've been really sucky with staying in touch with you, and if it makes you feel any better, I'm like that with everyone. It's something I need to work on, but you must know that if you ever need anyone to vent to, or cry to, or whatever, I'm just a phone call/text/facebook message away. Really. You get special priority. I will hang up with someone else, if you need to chat.
Wow, this is long.
But I'm not done.
You see, your daddy may not be by your side to experience new chapters of your life with you, but he's watching you, and he's so freaking proud. You know it's true. You might not know why God took him home when he did, but God also gave you a way to see him again. Next time you see your daddy, he will never leave you again. Ever. So smile, because both of your Daddys are rooting for you. You CAN do this. You are strong enough, because you can tap into Christ's strength. You will make it, because you have Christ on your side. Seek Him, and you will find joy and peace. I believe in you.
Rebecca I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I know you are there for me even if we don't talk often. I haven't been good with that either. You didn't stress me at all when you came. It was a relief to have you there. You are a symbol of consistency. God takes but more often He gives and your friendship is one of the precious gifts I cherish most. Thank you for taking my frustration and making it positive. You did a wonderful job. You made me cry in a good way. I love you!
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