Ups & Downs

Just needed to clear my head a little. This weekend has been both great and horrible. I spent a night with Jada at Montreat and had a blast. I was sad to leave the college atmosphere. I learned that I would suffocate at Montreat. The rooms are microscopic and so is the campus and the dining hall and the class size and the road leading to the campus, etc. It's perfect for Jada, not for me. Still, I had fun. Sunday I came home and spent the afternoon at "the baby's" house. My mom requested that I pick her up something for supper. She called ahead, but when I arrived they hadn't yet made the pizza. As I sat and waited a feeling of deep sorrow and loss swept over me. I have become especially susceptible to these spells when I am tired. We stayed up late Saturday night and got up early for church, so I guess I was asking for it. My mom has been in a haze for the past few days and her mood was easily spread when I walked in the door crying. For those few more hours that we were awake that night we were lost in a world all our own. In our world there are bittersweet memories at every turn and nearly everything is reason enough to cry, good or bad. These visits to the land of loss are becoming fewer slowly, but they tend to sneak up at the most random times. As we talked today I think we touched on some of the reasons for my sudden outburst. First and foremost, I miss my Daddy more than I can say. There are things I wish to ask him all the time, things I want him to fix, but everyday I just need a hug. Last Sunday, I longed to hear him ask "Is that new?" to my outfit. He often asked even when the clothing was years old, but it meant he noticed. He took everything in and that is what I am trying to do. I want to soak in the months I have here with my mom and the moments we share together. I know all too well that one day, any day, she will not be there. Second, I miss my friends. My high school friends are back in school after Christmas break and it leaves a lonely after taste. Last week I had plans. This week I don't. The weekends are better. Alexx comes back to town and we usually see a movie or something, but sometimes he is busy with his high school buddies. I have several friends who still live at home, but they work and go to school and its hard to coordinate plans. The black mood is slowly lifting, but I still hear sniffling coming from my mom's room. Such an occurrence is not uncommon these days. She does very well for weeks and then it all hits her again, but she gets back up and goes on. For that, I am very proud of her. After all, life knocks you down and you get back up again. I guess thats just the way it works.