Monday, June 1, 2009

Higher Ground

I cried out to God several weeks ago. Begging Him to tell me why my life is the way it is. He didn't answer that prayer exactly as I had hoped. Actually, it was better than I could have asked for. He knew that. The past two weeks He has strengthened me. Each day I find more than one thing to be thankful for. I know that death and despair were not part of God's hopes for the human race. We brought this on ourselves. Even so, God can take any situation and make it into a miracle. No matter what. My mom has not improved. It looks as if surgery will be the method of healing this time. But I don't care. God is in control. This is time for my mom and I to spend together. It is time for me to learn responsibility and how to be an adult. I was not thrust into maturity as some children are at ten or twelve. I am twenty years old. I have the authority and ability to take care of the things that need to be done. When I can't do it myself, the family God has blessed me with steps in. I finally got Hershey to the vet this afternoon. Kayla helped me (another Godsend). Come to find out he has heartworms. It doesn't make sense to spend $700 dollars on a ten year old lab so now we wait. For now he is happy and unaffected, but the time will come when we will have to put him down. At first I felt like this was just another part of my dad that I was losing. Taking care of Hershey, buying him five different treats at once, rubbing his belly, and calling him a "handsome fella" all make me feel close to Daddy. Also today my mom sold the truck and hopes to soon sell the Lumina. Daddy drove both of them on his mail route. Neither run, but in true Cooke fashion Daddy wouldn't give them up. I cursed this decision this evening as I pulled all the junk out of both of them that could have been discarded long ago. Really I liked it. My mom will never know that of course. It was more time with my dad. That sounds weird, but I find Daddy in the strangest places. I'm dreading Father's Day already. I'm torn between crying my eyes out and just letting it all go or pretending the holiday never existed. The latter will be difficult at church where, ironically, I really want to be on June 21. There is no place I feel closer to Daddy than that building. He spent so much time there, helping so many young boys that were nearly as crushed as I was to lose him. I'm not necessarily a fan of Walmart setting up the holiday so soon, but I don't want to avoid it all together. I had the best father in the world. He gave everything for me and my mom. He took care of us even after he was gone. Most importantly he left a legacy that I will strive to at least meet halfway. To touch so many lives in so many places that even your coworkers need counseling after your death! Daddy deserves to be honored and that is just what I hope to do. My recent spell of loneliness could probably also be attributed to the insane desire I have developed to have a family. Keeping Reagan has given me "baby fever" as my mom says. She wanted a family and kids at 15. I at least made it to college. I think its sinking in that people I graduated with are getting married. I wasn't prepared for that. I forgot how old I was. At any rate, God knows the desires of my heart because He put them there. At the right time, in the right place, with the right person I will fall in love and our story will begin. I hate sounding so "girlish". I still hate cheesy romance novels and movies, don't lose hope Kindall ;)

1 comment:

Kindall said...

As your other half, let me just say you are not old. :)