Waiting on God

If something seems too good to be true I have found that most often it is. Take for example the lovely little life I have set up for myself for the next year or so. Money has always been tight. Money will probably always be tight. Today I looked at my bank account to see red numbers. The most frustrating part is that a refund check is somewhere between Sallie Mae and my checking account. I wish they would converge already. After class I called my mom to ask about some temporary funding. She has none to give, but my grandmothers are graciously generous. I could tell something was wrong the minute she said hello. Her leg isn't better. The spinal injection didn't work and that puts us right about where we were this time last year. About the time I was making the faithless decision to go to ASU instead of back to Belmont. About the time my mom and I were both asking why all of this had to happen. Here we are again. Only this time I'm not there. I'm in Nashville where I know I am supposed to be. Although feeling certain about that is much easier when all is right with the world. My mom seems so helpless on the phone. Okay, maybe that isn't the best term. She is just strongly opposed to asking for help. Multiple times in the conversation I reminded her she is my only parent. She is all I have. Sure, I have a brother and grandmothers and an uncle and cousins. But the brother is married with kids, the grandmothers are, as harsh as it sounds, nearing the end, and the uncle and his family have each other and lives of their own. Me? I have me. And my mom. Take away her and that leaves me. Just me. Whenever my mom is in danger or not in the best condition, so to speak, I feel incredibly alone. My wedding day flashes before my eyes. No parents of the bride. No mother to cry during the ceremony and then beg for grandkids at the reception. No dad to walk me down the aisle. Then I realize I don't even have a fiancee much less a wedding planned. It seems that everyone in my family and many of my friends are adding to their social network. I feel like mine only works in negative directions. I remember this part of the trial last year. There was an interested guy and I hung on for dear life. I really didn't even like him. But it felt more secure than just dangling over the edge alone.
I don't want to do that again. So this time I cried and asked God in the most convincing way possible to keep my mother healthy. I added an extra clause this time concerning myself. Don't let me create something from nothing. This is when I walked into my room and saw my cat curled up on my bed. This may sound ridiculous, but she is a reminder from God. For years, I begged my parents for a kitten. I already had the name picked out. Chi-Chi. (After the salsa of course.) Each time there was a sign in a pet store window offering kittens I casually led them in and longingly stared at the cage. I always came out empty handed. They had a number of valid reasons. We already had one cat and a chihuahua inside. My mother was strictly opposed to anymore fur living amongst us. My claims of feeding and caring for the kitten were rightly refuted as I had made similar claims for our other three animals with little follow through. About two months after my father died my mother and I walked into a pet store. There were kittens! They had just been brought in and were "on special." I asked to hold one. When the worker opened the cage and asked which one I pointed to a little striped gray one at the very bottom. She was in the middle of a very deep nap. As soon as she was in my arms I was hooked. My mother knew there was no going back. She caved. That day I brought Chi-Chi home.
Even though that seems like such a small scale story to life's bigger problems, Chi-Chi came when I needed her most. Playing with her (and taking care of her) took my mind off losing my dad. She is very much a therapy cat. So this afternoon when I walked in and saw her lying on the bed I knew God was and is in control. I still worry about my mother. I worry about the money. I wonder why God does not see fit to instantly cure my mom's back and fill my bank account with a million dollars. Occasionally, I wonder why God is keeping the guy meant for me out of reach still. The reasons aren't the same as they were in high school. I don't worry that I will never get married and have kids. Instead, I worry about being alone. About losing another parent alone. Then I realize God is always with me and when it is the absolute perfect moment for him to change my life he will. Until then I'll try to keep a lid on the worries and try not to overfeed my cat.