A Safe Haven No More

When I was young, too young to remember, our pastor left our church. The drama comes in when several years later, which I do remember, we learned that he had abruptly left his wife and son. He was in the midst of running a Christian school. Fourteen years ago our current pastor arrived. It understandably took a little while to become united with the new family and among ourselves. Once again we are losing our leadership. The difference is I understand this more than I'd like to. I'm well aware of the individual influences within the church, leading to certain decisions. Although I'm here in Nashville going to school First Assembly is my church. It is the family that got me through losing my dad. And it is dissolving right before my eyes. Beyond the injustice I feel personally I see a bigger problem more now than I ever have. We "aim" to bring people into Christianity. We offer them unconditional love and protection from judgement. This is complete B.S. We are the most hypocritical people on this Earth. We may as well have "sin detectors" at the door to keep out those who are not fit to sit on our pews or stand in our pulpit. We reject those who have found a worldly comfort in drugs, alcohol, and sex to fill the hole left from a lack of God. The sad thing? Most of them will never be acknowledged. They are dirty and will only pollute our "righteous" atmosphere. If someone, be it leadership or our fellow Christians, point out such failures we seek to squash any influence they may have. How dare they accuse us of being less than perfect Christians? Does a leadership position mean anything if it is never used for God's benefit? If it is only a tool for manipulating the church into what we desire it to be? It is useless. It doesn't benefit anyone not even the holder of the position. If you are not tested how do you know where you stand? If you are not open to new lessons how will you grow? I don't want to be stagnant. This world is changing at a pace the church cannot keep up with. Our most recognized public leaders blame a nation's sins for their natural disasters. God is only out to punish paganism. Then tell me, why does the US still exist? Why has Louisiana been touched by retribution and not Hollywood or Nashville? Where are the landslides destroying the mega-churches preaching a fake gospel? Spreading the message that God only accepts the perfect and that he always works in blazingly apparent miracles. What happens when God doesn't show you a burning bush and speak openly to you to tell you where to go? What happens when suddenly it's not that easy? We have nothing to offer those in such situations. Doubt is not allowed in our churches. No one who truly has faith would ever doubt. The suffering we experience is only an answer from God to our utter failures.

I'm unhappy. I'm tired of feeling that I must pretend to be perfect when I am not and never will be. And I'm tired of others pretending the same and rejecting any who admit the truth. That we fail. We make mistakes. We sin.