20

I'll start out by saying I had an amazing day yesterday with friends. I could not have dreamed it any better. Today was good too. Lots of family and friends. Even a surprise visitor from Raleigh. What I really want though is my Daddy. After an amazing weekend here I am falling apart, alone in my room. My mom knows I was upset but she doesn't know how much. And she just blames it on me being tired. She is allowed to fall apart for no reason, but there is always an excuse for me. I just want to go to bed and stay there. I couldn't even handle brushing my teeth. I keep seeing him lying there. I just keep reliving it. I just want it to go away. I feel hopeless and I'm scared. What if I can't move on? What if I just stay trapped in this hole for the rest of my life. That's what it feels like. The more I claw at the walls, the deeper I go. I can't do this. It's not fair. Everyone focuses so much on my mom at church. I know she lost her best friend and I know she needs help too. But can't they see both of us hurt? Am I that good at hiding it? I don't feel like it. I want to go back to being numb like when I left school. That was easier. Lord, please bring sunshine soon.